Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
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Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Bought so many fireworks the guy working the stand gave me a high four!
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
Dear GPS
If I knew which direction northeast was , we wouldn’t be having this conversation
[1st day as a paramedic]
me: can you point to where it hurts
cyclist: [points at his severed leg at the other side of the road]
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I’m not the girl you should put on speakerphone.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
[at deli]
me: I’ll take a platonic male friend that doesn’t treat me like their manic pixie therapistlady: we have cole slaw
me: ok
I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
Don’t donate your plasma. It’s a big scam and they’re just using it to make TVs.