I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
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Buying a smart car seems like a good idea until you hit a squirrel and flip over a few times.
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
I can’t take my dog to the pond because the ducks keep attacking him…
Guess that’s what get for buying a pure bread dog.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Hear me out…
A leaf blower, but for people.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: pass
Officer: have you been drinking?
Me: pass
Officer: You can’t just keep..
Me: pass
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
Insurance company: We need you to fax us the paperwork.
Me: Sure. Let me jump in my DeLorean and drive back to 1987.
Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
What’s your standard response when you’re using a public restroom and someone knocks on the door? Because I just knocked on one and the person inside simply KNOCKED BACK. This feels like a game changer.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
Hear me out. Organ harvest festival.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Don’t worry little groundhog, when I stick my head outside and see what’s going on in the world today I run back inside and hide too.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
Every time I go to the grocery store my husband asks what I’m going to buy. What does he think I’m going to buy, a tiger?
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*