Brain: That guy is annoyed at you. You should feel terrible about it.
Me: But I hate that guy. I shouldn’t care what he thinks of me.
Brain: Yeah, but you do.
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Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
dentist: u need to floss
me: no
dentist: my other patient who wouldn’t floss lost all his teeth
me: really
dentist: in a fistfight
me: that sounds unrelated
dentist: it was my fist. do what i say
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
Can me and you go out sometime?
“No, your grammar is too poor”
Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Duck typos.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
Relationship status:
Just kissed my cat and he got up and moved to the other end of the couch.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
new record!
U know the 1960’s movie “The Birds” about an onslaught of thousands of flying creatures? That’s me when I open the Tupperware cabinet…
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did