Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
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I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
greetings!
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I witnessed some luteing today. Six men playing a sprightly medieval tune . Quite out of step with the times were they.
demon: ur punishment in hell has been tailored just for u
me: ok
demon: u have to enter a long wifi password for eternity & it’ll never work
My daughter just straight up out of the blue said “daddy if you ever get shot I hope it’s in the belly so your fat will save you” WTF
My son knows he can’t use the f word in public and he certainly can’t say it in front of his younger sister or she’ll want to use it and also he thinks the f word is “phone.”
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
There was a deer running down in the valley so my husband snorted like a buck. She stopped. Looked around. So he did it again. She got all excited. Yes my husband was romancing a deer. I think all the smoke in the air is confusing him.
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Guys I finally came up with a name for our character: Spongebob
“Perfect!”
Thanks
“What’s his last name?”
Oh, uh- *looks at pic* Squarepants
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
ME: ooooh can I lick the beater?
HEART SURGEON: please stop calling it that
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.