I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
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*launders Kohls cash*
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
“I’m scared of thunder and vacuums but this beehive full of killer bees looks delicious.”
– Dogs
“White Purr!” – Ku Klux Kat
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
I want a rich person to hire me to float around in their pool and feed me bread I want to be a wealthy person’s duck
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Step 1:Establish a medical history of “sleep walking”
Step 2. Murder your neighbor who mows their lawn at 6am
Step 3: Return to bed
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
I wonder why they don’t like me using the label maker
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.
Boss: I don’t want to be disturbed today.
Me: I don’t want to be disturbed either yet here we are.
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
People make you wonder just how bad prison would really be
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.