Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
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I don’t always cook dinner but when I do, I use every pan in the kitchen.
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
Me to my brain- why are you thinking this? Calm down!
My brain- *makes this irrational thought make more sense*
Me- STOP IT
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
me: Guess what? Your dad’s going to be on the radio!
7yo: What’s the radio?
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
Time traveling humans are always freaked out by culture changes
If a moose time travels it probably just finds a field to frolic in moosily
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
me: god I need a break from work
God: [creates pandemic]
me: not like that
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: holy shit why won’t he burn
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop lap-dancing. I asked him why and he said, “Because I’m trying to examine you.”
“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
Whenever I’m feeling stressed I like to take a deep breath & think about every mistake I have ever made.
I never use “a lot” or “too much” butter. I use the right amount. Now, hand me my butter shovel.
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING
The inventor of rock, paper, scissors must have been an extremely dangerous man if he considered paper a weapon.
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
VITAMIN WATER: we’re like water, but with vitamins
ME: which ones
VITAMIN WATER: well sugar is a vitamin
ME: no it’s not
VITAMIN WATER: what about blue
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.