Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
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Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Government: You owe us money. It’s called taxes.
Me: How much do I owe?
Gov’t: You have to figure that out.
Me: I just pay what I want?
Gov’t: Oh, no we know exactly how much you owe. But you have to guess that number too.
Me: What if I get it wrong?
Gov’t: You go to prison
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
WIFE: *motions to me that she’s choking*
ME: *immediately dials 911*
911: what the emergency
ME: *handing her the phone* here u talk to them
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Cow stumbles into a pot field. The steaks have never been higher.
Me at 2 AM: I’m so tire-
Brain: Shut. Up. Do you remember how Greg in the 3rd grade wronged you? DO YOU?
If you know where to buy good cheese, money can absolutely buy happiness and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Every mega rich guy has been or is becoming super interested in ways to get off of the planet. Seems fine
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
WIFE: *all cute* you wanna make me French toast?
ME: *not looking up from my phone* I would never make you kiss anything you didn’t want to, Sharon.
My self help-seminar, “Stop Blaming Others” canceled due to my incompetent staff.
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
Simba – “welcome to… The bone zone”
Nala – “the what?”
Simba – “elephant graveyard. I said elephant graveyard”
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.