thinking about the time someone asked me if there was any dairy in the tres leches cake i got. yes there’s tres
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Boss: Do you have to be so sarcastic?
Me: Great question Dave.
Based on Harrison’s choice of best place to land, golfers are the most dispensable.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
Dear media: There’s nothing shocking about celebrities going topless, getting drunk, or falling over.
Let me know when they read a book.
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
Him: I’ll pay for dinner.
Me: I want to pay.
Him: I’ll feel better if you let me pay.
Me: Well, if your health is involved, go ahead…
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6