bout dat hot dog summer
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is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
What if Creature From the Black Lagoon’s real name was Gary and “Creature” was just a mean nickname he got in middle school
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
sometimes when I get negative feedback I’m like “hey….only I get to talk to myself that way”.
Why don’t they make posters that go this hard anymore
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
son: [kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
me: [also kicking pile of leaves] yaaaaaay!
wife: my salad!
You said that if I went to visit at the hospital I should be sure to take flowers. So, when the nurse wasn’t looking, I did.
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
“Whoa! Hey there, buddy, leave me out of it. This has got nothing to do with me.”
– The Horse You Rode In On
Teenage niece (talking to me while she’s driving): Could you respond to my friend’s text for me?
And don’t make it weird by putting stuff like punctuation.
the answer was staring at me all along
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
“Why would you watch *Sports Anime* when you don’t even play the sport” Well why would you watch Naruto when you’re not a ninja
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
I appreciate the optimism, guys, but I’m fairly confident it’s going to be Charles.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.