A penguin’s resolutions:
-learn to fly
-slap Todd everytime he says “Cold enough for you?”
-get a girl to let me put her egg between my feet
You Might Also Like
Husband trained 5 well. Every time we have rain, she stands at the window with her hands on her hips and says, “we really needed this.”
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Got sent to HR for impersonating a fire alarm during a staff meeting again
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
PERSONAL TRAINER: so how much do you bench?
ME: a fair bit but I usually bed or sofa.
Are 19th Century menstrual pads called period pieces?
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
put my earbuds in so i wouldn’t have to talk with the man next to me on the plane and he asked if he could “borrow one so we could listen together”
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
What base is it when he says “I know you need it badly” but he’s talking about sleep.
*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.
My wife’s story about her day had 18 sub plots, two false finishes, buried the lead and introduced a new character in the third act.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
It has been literally hours and I’m still laughing out loud every time I think about this
I practice social distancing by wearing my murder clown costume when I’m out in public.
Cheers Twitter.
Your neck. There’s an axe for that.
[pulled over]
Cop: Sir the reason I stopped you is your license plate is just a piece of paper with numbers written on it
Me: (offers badly drawn $100 bill) Oh you don’t say maybe this will clear everything up
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious