[i read a pun]
me: ugh, no[i make a pun]
me: BEHOLD THE ARTISTRY
You Might Also Like
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
*wakes up, peers outside*
*closes dumpster lid and goes back to bed*
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
This fish is cracking me up
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
“Everybody freeze!”
-November
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
my 8yr old daughter has to touch 3 cats before she can do anything.
we only have two cats.
All hugs are good hugs except bear hugs. A bear hug is like a regular hug except you die at the end…
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Magazines are for your self esteem.
-New Yorker: You’re so uncultured.
-Cosmo: Your body is garbage.
-Forbes: Hey there, peasant.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.
Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
Trust my gut? The thing that gets overwhelmed by dairy
Husband: So we’ve basically given up.
Me: On what?
H: *gestures to 4yo carefully piling spaghetti on his head*: Parenting.
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Brides agonizing over what dress to choose on Say Yes to the Dress should know I just turned to my husband and asked him to describe my wedding dress giving as much detail as he could remember.
His answer was white. With a question mark.
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.