I just need to go ahead and admit it.
I’m not mature enough to live in a state called Idaho
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My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
The bakery used a white paper bag instead of a brown one like they knew these croissants are prescription.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I’m at my most Liam Neeson when my food is missing from the employee fridge.
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
Whenever I get a midnight “Hey” dm from a woman on the weekend, I always reply
Maybe she’s inviting me to church or something fun like that
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
“I don’t know a lot about any of this but I probably should still weigh in with my opinion”
– the voice that I fight in my head
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
*being dragged from the car wash*
But I only shaved one leg!
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Weird how we never hear stories about ghosts with mullets, hair spray or huge Afros that haunt people. It’s always those 19th century pricks
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
[at the running of the bulls]
ME: imma try to pet ’em
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Adhd brain is amusing.
I know I need to make a list, but I fight making a list, and then I go to the store and completely neglect everything I need and come home with a donkey.
When you meow it is in a really bad accent it is the cat equivalent of the Borat voice just fyi that is how your cat perceives you
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
I just told my son we have all the ingredients that he needs to make toast, in case you were wondering how much vodka I drank last night.
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Me: *driving* Look, kids, it’s Godzilla.
Kids: Where?
Me: *pointing* There! The big giant lizard. You can’t miss him.
Kids: WHERE!
Me: He’s picking up our car.
Kids: WHERE?!?
Me: He’s hurling us through the air.
Kids: *crying* I DIDN’T SEE HIM!!