My daughter dries dishes like she is a rich lady in the witness protection program trying to integrate into a small midwestern town.
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Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
Turned the other cheek and found the tv remote.
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Last-minute gift idea!
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
The Good News: My doctor says I’m healthy as a horse.
The Bad News: She used another large farm animal to describe my weight.
I’m so glad that I got my big grocery shopping trip out of the way on Sunday. Now I only have to stop at the store 750 times during the week.