Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
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Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
I don’t always look at my phone at a red light; but when I do, I look up to see a cop right beside me.
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
It’s my Roomba’s birthday so I’m bringing him to the beach and I’m just gonna let him go crazy
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Please stop giving your dogs human names. My sons Buster & Lucky are getting pretty sensitive about this!
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
Things to say instead of “I hope this email finds you well”
-I hope you reply quickly
-Now, pay attention
-I hope many things but life isn’t fair
-Listen in
-Let’s do this!
-I will say this only once
-Your hair looks nice
-I’m tired, let’s get this over with
-Here we go again…
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
A friend of my wife’s who lives in maine put their child in this preschool where the kids help make lunch and then before their naps they get their feet soaked in warm water and wtf do I have to do to get into this preschool?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Suicide Squad spoiler: Jared Leto’s Joker is so twisted he puts big spoons in the drawer slots where the little spoons go.
I thought she was the one until I saw her make hot chocolate with water.
Its a hippotatomus
SPOILER ALERT ~ Fast & Furious 10 is about car chases.
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I’m extremely grateful that spiders don’t scream back.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’