Very good news from my accountant
You Might Also Like
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Just right now my only wish is for everyone to go to bed so I can eat my secret second dinner.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
operators are standing by to ignore your call
My life is like a movie where two soulmates meet in line at the grocery store, except I’m the woman behind them buying tampons and cat food.
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
Me: I’m loving this, look at us, we’re practically finishing each other’s….
Her: …Fries ?
Me: Yeah, we’re done here!
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
ROOMMATE: Big date later?
ME: [combs hair] Yes
R: Where?
M: [fixes tie] The woods
R: Is it with a bear again?
M: [dabs honey behind ears] No
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
*Takes leash off feral dad*
Me: Go on, boy. Get outta here.
*Feral dad barbecues on my new shoes*
BAD DAD! BAD!
Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
People: cats are so detached and just do their own thing
My cats: are you getting up for 20 seconds to get a glass of water?? I’ll come with you, gonna meow the whole time, hey bud so are we going back to bed or chilling on the couch? I am gonna be a nuisance in either location
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
#ThisExplainsWhy my hair is such a mess EVERY morning!
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
Hey Fugeddaboutit
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.