I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
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My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
Need a math nerd to solve the following problem:
I make my son a peanut butter sandwich. Rectangle, no crust, let’s say 5” by 4”. I cut it diagonally into two TRIANGLES. However, he wants SQUARES. If he weighs 55 lbs, how much force is needed to launch him into the sun?
“You know…”
[takes drag of cigarette]
“That energy bar is full of sugar”
[exhales]
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
Watson was Holmes schooled
greetings!
Now responding to all “hello”
DMs with “Adele?”
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
You’re not a mistake.
Mistakes can be fixed.You’re hopeless.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.