What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
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Them: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: Oh you know, drinking cocktails…long walks on the beach, slow dancing. What about you? 😘
Them: Ok, once again I have to remind you this a job interview not a date.
Me: Who says it can’t be both? 😉
Them: …many, many laws.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
*Walks up to podium*
Hey everyone, sorry my wife couldn’t make it, she’s carrying our first child.
*crowd claps*
He’s 7, he’s just lazy.
I’m home alone for the first time in 45 years and I’m only 39
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
100% of all marriages end with an ‘s’
ME AT 19: I’m gonna travel to so many countries!
ME AT 29: I’m gonna try a new craft beer!
ME AT 39: I’m gonna try a different cat litter
It’s crazy how my ex was so upset about losing me that he had to build a life with a new woman.
[wheel of fortune]
me: id like to buy a vowel
pat: arent u a millenial
me: [sigh] id like to rent a vowel
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Woke up this morning, looked in the mirror & said out loud, “You gotta bring it today!”
SO I’M GONNA BRING IT!
*brings lunch to work*