Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.
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{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
If you’re smuggling booze into a concert, put the bottle under a handful of tampons and go to the young male bag checker. they get embarrassed and immediately close your bag. works every time — even more so if you’re a dude
I have a date with a sexy, young doctor. Technically, it’s called an appointment. But whatever.
How to be a politician: 1. Tell people what you’re going to do 2. Don’t do it 3. Change the subject.
I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
I work with a guy from Mexico who doesn’t speak a lot of English. A Canadian goose made a nest by one of the paddock gates and hissed at him while he was putting horses out. He comes back to us after and says, “I do not like the cobra chicken.”
*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
I was in a very bad mood today. Then my 3 year old walked over, handed me a rock, patted my face and said “mommy, you’re perfect, here’s a present for you”. And I smiled.
And then I realized the rock was a cat turd.
it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.