[at divorce lawyer]
bad news, currently all your husbands assets are frozen
“he didn’t”
he bought 1547 copies of it, he must really hate you
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My new yoga instructor’s name is Matt so I called him “Yoga Matt” & he said “yeah, don’t ever call me that”. Yoga Matt isn’t very zen.
From now on I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy, just for their visit, it was hard but I got it done
employment counsellor: for your interview be sure to bring a copy of your CV, be on time and wear your best dress
me: [shows up in prom gown but on time]
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Almost done with my screenplay about the end of the world, and only cats survive.
I call it “Apocalypse Meow”.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Basketball
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
You called me “muffin”….did you mean blueberry or chocolate chip?
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE WEATHER REPORTERS RISKING LIFE & LIMB SO WE CAN ALL KNOW WHAT A 130MPH HURRICANE LOOKS LIKE IN THE DARK!
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
this is your fault for setting him up with Medusa
January 2020: New year, new me.
May 2020: *primal scream*
her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
“Daddy’s not home, so for dinner we’re having a smorgasbord!” I tell the kids, using the Swedish word for chicken nuggets and Benadryl.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
casual sex implies the existence of ranked competitive sex
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
don’t ask me “what dat mouth do?” if you’re not prepared to hear it burp the alphabet.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website