Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
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Boobytrap backwards is partyboob.
Moving on.
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
TEXT FROM WIFE: I bought some plant based cheese
ME: Treese
HER: I hate you
[first date]
me: are you a reader?
date: omg i love reading
me: [handing her my menu] thank god
yea so i messed up lol
Airplanes are like bad printers. It sucks when they’re inside your office building
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
My husband helped me relax by going to the store for some gift bags for my son’s upcoming birthday. He just returned victorious and presented me with a bunch of brown paper lunch sacks.
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I take issue with furniture that deliberately moves 1 inch when you’re in a rush to get by.
How can a cemetery raise its burial charges and blame it on the cost of living?
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.