We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
You Might Also Like
Just heard a British person call Oreos “chocolate sandwich biscuits” and I finally understand why the Revolutionary War had to happen.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
I love Chinese food as much as the next guy, but you’ll never convince me a chicken fried this rice.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on
Sometimes? I’m slipping
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you
ME: Is it because I thought cleavage was a period in history where they fought with only axes?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
My son has come up with what he calls “skeleton kisses”, where he touches his teeth to your forehead or cheek when he kisses you so it feels like bones touching you.
Isn’t that precious?
No. He’s 20.
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
So I neutered my car yesterday
“You, what?”
Neutered my car
“…”
It’s another word for fixed
“I wish I never gave you that thesaurus”
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
How dare you let common sense get in the way of my dreams. If I want to be a kangaroo astronaut who day drinks just let me be.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“You ate one half…”
“Yeah, so?”
“This is the otter half!”
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”