Computer: Password can’t be any previously used password
Me: (Uses old password and adds an exclamation point at the end)
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*world is ending*
Met Gala: LOOK AT MY DRESS THO
There was a magnetic necklace for sale at the $1.25 store. It was simultaneously unattractive and attractive.
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
Me: Well well, if it isn’t the consequences of my own actions.
Him: Please, call me James.
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
good work, everybody
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
i dont have time for this
[shipwreck diary]
Day 32: a plane flew over last night but I fired the only flare on day 5 to celebrate my first solid shit in over a week
Where’s my cell?
“Right there.”
That’s not my phone.
“Yes it is. I cleaned it!”
My cell’s white?
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Me: whaddu mean “no”
Donut shop employee: we cannot pump the custard directly into your mouth to “save hella time”
Someone: he doesn’t look so good.
Someone else: we have to say the magic words!
Chanting: whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza, whiskey, bacon, tacos, pizza…
Me: *slowly rises from the dead*
Absolutely NO fruit in this house again until winter! Am I clear?
~me losing the war against gnats
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Start the year as you intend to continue.
(At My Funeral)
FRIEND: Of course he found a way to avoid paying me back my $20.
ME: *muted snickering from the casket*