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I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.
*controversially folds piece of paper lengthwise*
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
I’m getting my eyebrows waxed into “permanently surprised” position so it looks like I’m paying attention.
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I can’t blame this generation too much for doing stupid stuff. My generation thought 7 Police Academy movies were a good idea
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
ME: *first day working at LinkedIn* You need to have a DM jail feature
CEO: That’s a great idea
ME: Call it ClinkedIn
CEO: Get out!
First date idea: We go magnet fishing for that cool knife I threw off the bridge because I thought the cops were after me.
Here’s a little song about post-Christmas cleanup it’s called “Where the Hell Are We Going to Put All This Shit” and a one and a two
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.