When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
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This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
BLIND DATE TIP FOR WOMEN: Throw a fork into the wall behind ur date so he has to turn around, to make sure he doesn’t have a hidden ponytail
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
If I ever marry someone who shares my intense love of puns, she’ll be my pun-kin.
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
Boxing isn’t the only profession you can pretend to do while you’re jogging, today I flipped burgers.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
Led Zeppelin: And she’s buying a stairway to Heaven…when she gets-
My wife: HOLD ON I HAVE A COUPON
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
Little known fact: the eye is actually the least dangerous part of the entire tiger
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
ugh not again
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else