To all of you Single Guys here on Twitter…
Don’t forget to buy your Wife something on Valentine’s Day.
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HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
We didn’t clean before our cleaning person came, and she just turned in her notice
*Speed dating*
Me: “Do you say bless you when your dog sneezes?”
Him: “No.”
Me: “Next.”
When you get to my age, your milkshake still brings boys to the yard, but they’re like “I’m lactose intolerant.”
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
as a millennial dad I’ve never not been Too Online so I know the best combination of buzzwords to maximize being annoying to my tween; she got a meatball sub for lunch and I said “oh she in her marinara era for real” and the eye roll could have powered our house for a year
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
My 2yo just called me a rapscallion. Proof that my husband has been spending time with the children.
When you go in the other room I ask your dog what you look like naked.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
When I sprayed my foot with tinactin my 6yo asked what it was for and I told him athletes foot then he said “but daddy you’re not an athlete” and I am so sad that he’ll never understand how sick the burn was that he delivered.
[courtroom, on witness stand]
Prosecuting attny: If you think she’s poisoning you, why did you eat it?
Me: It was pizza
[jury nods, murmurs]
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
Me: When I have a rough day, you’re there. When I need to cry, you’re there. Nobody helps me gain 10 pounds the way you do. Cheesecake:
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
Haha good job!!
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes