Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
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craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
May we all have the confidence of my 9y/o who told his father after a week of playing ymca soccer…“Well, I’m pretty much 40% as good as Messi now…”
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
“The Perfect Relationship”
Turns out that ending meetings with “have the day you deserve” has made me some enemies at work.
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[grocery store robbery]
ROBBER: *sets gun on conveyor belt so cashier sees*
ME(next in line): *slowly places grocery separator behind gun*
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
The problem with finding people who accept me for who I am is that I question their judgment
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Apparently Zoom sleepovers are a thing and my 11yo is “going” to one tonight.
Now instead of one household taking one for the team and listening 6 preteen girls all night.
6 households have to listen to 6 preteen girls all night.
Thanks 2020!!!
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
Thank you Twitter for introducing me to brilliant people , but your suggestions of who is similar to me is making me reassess my life.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”