IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
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When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
TRUMP: Let’s get that Muslim Band going
“Band? We thought you said ban”
TRUMP: No way, that’s harsh. Also, how’s that Mexican mall coming?
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
Gym instructor: It’s never too late to start working out.
Me: Fantastic! I’ll start tomorrow.
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
We’ve been sending transmissions into space for 100 years, so of course aliens avoid us. Earth is the douchebag at the beach blasting music on their bluetooth radio.
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’
not seeing the problem
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.