Her: Do I look fat?
Him: Do I look stupid?…
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I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
the true test of a child is not how he treats his friends, but how he treats Minecraft villagers
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Somebody call the cops.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
CONVERSATION I JUST HAD:
ME: Two Thin Mints please
GIRL SCOUT: That’ll be $10. Or you can get four boxes for $20!
ME (gentle): Um, that’s not a savings
GIRL SCOUT (NOT gentle): NO ONE SAID IT WAS
…
ME: Four boxes would be great.
LUKE: any weekend plans?
OTHER JEDI: I’m probably gonna do yoga
LUKE: omg I have to warn him
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
Facebook memories be like
My 5-year-old has been digging around in my hair on the back of my head lately and today he finally confessed he’s been “lookin for the eyes.”
There’s really no cooler place to wear sunglasses than in a submarine.
[blind date]
HIM: so Paul says that you’re a real charmer *smiles*
ME:*whips out three snakes from my bag and a flute* you bet i am
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Me: *playing Russian roulette* you first
Him: this is an automatic
Me: my house my rules