If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
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[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Itching, flaky skin? Burning sensation while urinating? You’re probably on fire!
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
[sending nudes] I swear it’s not gonna be a photo of my cat
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Vacation is just your wife not liking any of your restaurant suggestions closer to the ocean.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
*destroys head of lettuce*
*becomes new ruler of all lettuces*
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
me(being given hot dog factory tour): so if i fell in this vat & died it would pretty much taste the same
tour guide: almost certainly keith
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
5: if you take a shortcut in a food maze, it’s not cheating it’s eating
Nepal: “just like awkwardly stack two triangles to make our flag”
All the other countries have rectangles
“TWO TRIANGLES”
Alright ok fine
Me: It’s the cops!! We better skeedaddle!
Gang leader: I’ve asked you to stop saying that
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”
*ties shoe*
Some people aren’t just missing a screw the whole toolbox is gone
Calm down ‘Fitbit’ joggers. I can drink one 5-Hour Energy and reach my target heart rate without even getting off my couch
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger