In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
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I annoyed my kids so bad they told ME to go to bed.
So it looks like this parenting thing has come full circle.
estão todos miauvindo?
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So, when she said she wanted a ‘fairy-tale’ romance, she didn’t actually want me to eat her grandma or lock her in a tower?
Dating is hard.
Cashier: do you want cash back?
Me: I mean who wouldn’t. There’s ring of fire, I walk the line. Let’s not forget his christmas album
I ate the last Hot Pocket and left the empty box in the freezer. I think it’s time my kids learn how that shit feels
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
Spending this evening saving Princess Zelda, because Princess Zelda has never ‘accidentally’ hooked up with her Sociology T.A. while abroad.
Not to brag, but a top modeling agency just offered me a job as a “before” model.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Dance like you’re not the father
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
“Hi”
My name is
“What?”
My name is
“Who?”
My name is [chka chka] Slim Shady
*scribbles on cup* “Ok Mr Shrimp Scabies, I’ll start your latte”
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
The Pope is putting out a Christmas album. And just like that, Lady Gaga now has the SECOND weirdest wardrobe in music
Most kids have a stuffed animal or blankie. My niece has one of those plastic owls u put outside to scare away birds
[ Dad having “the talk” with his daughter]
Dad- The best way to protect yourself is to use a condor.
Girl- You mean a condom?
Dad- * Hands her a gauntlet * Nope.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Like my grandma always says… put more booze in the mashed potatoes