Me: *stomach rumbling*
8: Why is your tummy making those noises?
M: I’ve not sent anything it’s way for an hour, it’s checking I’m still alive
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“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
This guy at my work is giving his wife a gym membership for Christmas.
His name was John.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
☀️🧛🏻 🌙 🦇
ME [Puts up “Have u seen my dog?” posters across town]
HER: Oh no! You’ve lost your dog!
M: No I just think u should see him. He’s awesome
Good News: It wasn’t a colon polyp.
Bad News: somewhere, a craigslist escort is missing a press-on nail.
Things will get butter, keep churning
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
Remember when we used to eat cake after someone blew all over it?
Good times.
Not a catfish. Just behind on my lip waxing.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Once a lady asked me to guess her age. I don’t like playing this game but she insisted. I gave her a good look, estimated her age, and subtracted 10 years just to be safe. “37” I said. Well for a 26 yo she threw quite the fit.
Anyway the lesson here is don’t smoke cigarettes.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.