[staring up at the sky]
ME: what does that cloud look like to you?
11YR OLD DAUGHTER: I’d say it’s a semi-transparent altocumulus, or at least something of the stratocumuliform physical category
ME: well I see a corn dog
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Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
It amazes me how the moon controls the tides from hundreds of thousands of miles away…
yet, it’s a struggle to get my kid to pick up toys from only a few feet away
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
The most unrealistic element of Jurassic Park is the part where an American theme parks investors become concerned after a single worker is killed
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
shark tooth fairy: *throwing fins up in the air* I quit
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
MOTHER-IN-LAW: There are Thanksgiving leftovers in the freezer
ME: Thanks but I…quit cold turkey
MIL: I never wanted you in this family
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Pharmaceutical ads really be like “HEY is your doctor an IDIOT? suggest this drug to them bc they’re probably so DUMB they haven’t even THOUGHT of it YET”
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Me: [travels back in time but dies in the vacuum of space because I forgot to account for the earth’s orbit] ope!
Everyone at Schrödinger’s funeral looking at his coffin