Fun Fact: If someone’s car alarm keeps going off, you’re legally obligated to set the car on fire.
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TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
See if your child has learnt any swear words yet, by turning the wifi off while they’re playing minecraft.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
I found a cure for my debilitating cancer. I dumped her and started to see a capricorn instead.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
7: what kind of ice cream is this? *Takes a bite*
Me: French Vanilla
7: mmm, you can really taste the Frenches
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Doctors HATE this weight loss secret! (Photo of a woodchipper)
S/o to @funTweeters .
My mom always has these great sayings for life, like “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch” and “Everybody hates you.”
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
[Flat-earth expedition log]
Day 746: We continue to sail West in search of the edge. Earth is much larger than we believed & surprisingly repetitive. We sailed past another island with huge stone heads on it. That’s the third one so far.
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
Beep beep
Beep
Beep beep beep beep
Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation