I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
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If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
When it comes to sex, I really need to have a connection.
Otherwise the page just keeps buffering and it takes FOREVER to load.
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach this morning, and a lifetime ban from the Entomology section at the Natural History Museum.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
If I stalked you any harder, you’d be a missing person.
Mom’s coming over for dinner. She just LOVES my lasagna. So I made a taco salad.
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My 8 year old told me a boy proposed at school and she accepted and honestly this will be her second marriage so I told her she’s going to get a reputation.
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
You know you’re getting old when you scroll down the birthday drop down menu … And it starts going into Roman Numerals.
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”