I now pronounce you slowly and phonetically.
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This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
Go ahead, make fun of my cargo shorts
But we’ll see who’s laughing when you need a corkscrew, life raft, pillow or an extra tuna sandwich.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
Fitbits are just Tamagotchi except the stupid animal ur trying to keep alive is u
“Cantaloupe? Or WON’Taloupe?” *SPLAT* Next week on MELON JUSTICE!
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
bartender asked if i wanted another beer & i said “no thank you, i have to pee soon & don’t like leaving an open beer” so one of the guys said “ain’t nobody gonna drink your beer”
…do men think the reason we don’t leave our drinks unattended is because someone will drink it??