Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
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My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
“Hi, I’m Rob Thomas for the Organ Donor Association. Give me your heart, make it real or else forget about it.”
Wife: [putting cheese on her eggs] do we need to change our diet?
Me: [putting cheese on my oatmeal] oatmeal and eggs are pretty healthy.
Wife: [putting cheese on her cheese] so that’s a no?
Me: [drinking cheese from the blender] definitely a no.
Someone gave my boyfriend a book about men getting the upper hand in relationships and I told him to let me read it since he knows how much I love fiction
Doing couples therapy by myself to try and get double the help
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.
Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL
Doctor:
Me: These five words I swear to you, when you breathe I want-
Him: Stop singing to the mustard
Me: *stands up and closes fridge* Whatever.
[shark tank]
“Hi, what’s your product idea?”
Product? [holding bucket of live fish] I’m here to see the tank of sh-… I’ve made a mistake
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
my kids: dad will you make us some grilled cheese?
me: how did you even find me? there’s like 12 bars in this town
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
me: “im using this quarantine to learn something new each day”
friend: “what did you learn today?”
me: “guitar”
friend: “no way you learned guitar in one day. prove it”
me, opening a guitar case: “this is a guitar”
friend:
me: “tomorrow im going to learn what a piano is”
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
Just saw a crab walking in a straight line. It was shouting “I’m not drunk, you’re drunk” and it started a fight with a bin
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”
“Itself”~History