At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
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Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
The secret to success is to surround yourself with people that don’t know you.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.
Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*
My boyfriend doesn’t like when I give our neighbors nicknames like, “Beard Man” “Jolly Girl” and “the one I slept with in 2009.”
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
both dogs refuse to go out to pee in the rain so i have to lift each one up and heave them out the back door like i’m a bouncer and they just got in a fight
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
funny how dumbass pet animals will eat the same thing every day without realizing that Subway® offers over 19 different ways to Eat Fresh™
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
kind of nervous, on a date (on hold with my student loan servicer for over an hour)
You are probably horrified by my wardrobe
Turns out my cleaner is on Elm St
Should not be a surprise
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.