My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
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Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Why I update my apps
:-For the new features ❌:-for the notifications to go away✅
“What did I ever see in him?” – the Invisible Man’s ex
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
“Condominium” sounds like a safe sex spell you learn at Hogwarts.
Me: I just want to be the center of someone’s universe
*has kids*
Also me: Not like that
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
guy in the stall next to me at this bar is ordering a pizza on the phone & I now realize my commitment to pizza is severely lacking
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”
[45 minutes after seeing someone fall down the stairs]
You OK?
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
My clothes aren’t wrinkled i have an iron deficiency.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.