[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
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congratulations to them
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Did…did a minotaur write this
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
I peed so hard that a little laugh came out
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
It was worth a shot 😂
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
A disloyal friend will shank you without hesitation, but a really good friend will think long and hard about it and then shank you.
Most genies won’t tell you in advance, but sour cream is a separate wish from nachos.
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
Roses are red, I have a phone. No one texts me, forever alone.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I just want to live in a world where every slice of bacon is perfectly fried, beer flows freely from the kitchen tap, pandemics are a thing of the past…
… and that world peace thing.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Dear food bloggers, I am not interested in your journey toward chocolate pudding I JUST WANT THE GODDAMN RECIPE
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast