Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
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Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
Don’t take me camping because if I see a bear, I will hug that bear.
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
Me: gets up, wakes kids, empties dishwasher, makes lunches, helps make kid beds, does kids’ hair, makes breakfast for everyone, showers, makes coffee, does laundry
Hubs:
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
I don’t know what his crime was, but he seems like my kind of people.
My mother is the strongest woman I know.
You should see how far she could throw a shoe.
Having children teaches you patience, humility, love and to never, ever, be surprised when you find a Barbie doll leg clogging the toilet.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
If you hit a car that is blaring Christmas music before Thanksgiving, it will deploy tinsel instead of airbags.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…