It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
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I hate when I toss some cold pizza in the microwave, check Twitter real quick and when I come back I’ve missed 3 mortgage payments.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
*arouses suspicion*
Suspicion: I have a boyfriend. But c’mere.
[therapy session]
THERAPIST: ok…I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine…but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park
ME: nuh uh
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
SON: Dad, were there any doctor shows like Grey’s Anatomy when you were a kid?
ME: Yeah.
SON: What was it called?
ME: Grey’s Anatomy.
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.
Friend: I haven’t had sex in years!
Me: meh, join the club
Friend: I haven’t had coffee in 5 days!
Me: DEAR GOD!!!
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
We had a ninja competition tonight but we don’t know if anyone showed up.
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
wife: how did the poetry slam go?
me: *taping my glasses back together * better
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
[TRYING TO IMPRESS NEW GIRLFRIEND]
‘Oh yeah, I love to cook!’
*removes salad from the microwave
I have a very large selection of hand sanitizers
Me, flirting
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
wife [gives me piece of fruit] Try this
me: Tastes like hand sanitizer
wife: Did you just use hand sanitizer?
me: Yeah
wife
me
wife
me: Why?