REPORTER: Tell us about the movie
ACTOR: oh man so many pranks
R: But the movie itself
A: lot of pranks
R: The director-
A: we played pranks
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Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
[starts chanting in unison]
In Unison! In Unison! In Unison!
Government Official: I don’t know what he wants, all I know is I don’t like it.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
doctor: we’ve had your results back
me: what’s it look like
doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
No matter which town/city in America you go to, there is one guarantee, and that is the locals absolutely roasting you for pronouncing the name of their town exactly how it is f***ing spelled
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
My 3 moods:
1. I’m too tired for this shit
2. I’m too old for this shit
3. I’m too sober for this shit
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.