cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
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Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Would love to do a Trump family sitcom, but would have to make up a character to be “the smart one”
“I’m sorry I named my daughter ‘Paige.’ It seemed funny at the time.”
– a confession of Nat Turner
Fetty Wap’s full name is Fettuccine Wireless Application Protocol.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
If you tell me your deepest, darkest secrets, I promise I won’t tell anyone. Unless it will make me look important or interesting or funny.
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
I work in the entertainment industry, so the only way I could lie more is if I worked in politics.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
Therapist: How would you describe your relationship with your wife?
Me: She told me to tell you it’s fine
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
how long have you had this for?
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
[wife calling make-a-wish foundation]
he says he’s “dying from ennui” does that count
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …