Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
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If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
betcha they beat the robot dinosaurs by transforming into an asteroid.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
you just know somebody’s being called by their full name right now
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
I plucked my first gray hair today. The lady it came from got so mad you guys.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.
My husband walked out the door, smiled & said, “Have a good day!” like he doesn’t even realize he’s leaving me home with his children.
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I threw old quinoa under my feeder and now the squirrels are walking around in Lululemon pants and requesting coconut water.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
Saw your ex at the shops
My kid just asked me to help with her art project and I said “aw, why did you choose me?” and she said “because you suck at math”