What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
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Gynecologists in small towns spend a lot of time looking up old friends
Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
how dare you call me when dogs 101 is on
Sign says World’s Largest Ravioli. “Where’s the filling?” people ask exploring its vast interior. The sound of boiling water grows to a roar
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips while son walks around looking for his bag of chips*
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
When algebra teachers retire, how do they deal with the aftermath?
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Unless you’re a female bat and you gave birth hanging upside down, I’m not interested in hearing about how your baby was born.
Aries: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
CNN: Do you want notifications for breaking news?
Me: For like important stuff I guess.
CNN: An Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs!
Me: I said impor-
CNN: Using chopsticks!
Me: She did WHAT?
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.