Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
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My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
Me: My husband and I have a wonderful relationship
2020 *evil laugh*: Try teleworking from the same room for 8 months, then we’ll talk
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
My 4 year old daughter found a set of handcuffs in the bedroom. How the hell she found them I don’t know. She asked me why they were there. I said they were for when Daddy had been naughty he had to wear them. She repeated this to her Grandparents. Absolutely mortified.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
I was sad to lose an arm wrestling match to a woman, but I felt better after I found out she was a man. Then sad again because we had sex.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
My favorite part of Thanksgiving is the pumpkin pie, I bought one of those ginormous ones from Costco and offered everyone else peach pie.
he looks great for his age
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?
Most fashion shows these days…
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180