ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
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First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Took a DNA test, turns out I’m 100% that one Asian who can’t use chopsticks.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
I’ve experienced anxiety, unhappiness and heartache but that’s nothing compared to the sheer primal terror I feel when the cat needs a bath.
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
I’m close to breaking this whole thing wide open
If you would have told 7 year old me that one day I’d be sneaking into people’s rooms to steal their teeth I’d have thought you were crazy.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
If Chlamydia didn’t have all those negative associations with STIs, it would make a beautiful baby name
If you’re a pilot with a man bun, I’m calling you Top Bun, and you can’t stop me.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.