I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
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today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Her: Mommy, why does this peanut butter jar say “contains peanuts?”
Me: Because idiots, sweetheart.
Daycare lady: *notices 3-year-old’s shirt is on backward* It’s cute how you let her dress herself.
Me: Yes. She did that.
My friend has six kids and not once have they sang about going to bed. What in the VonTrapp is going on there?
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point
People that tell us what sex gods they are..what do you want us to do with that information?
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
*exercises sarcastically*
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.
My daughter pulled on her pullover and a years worth of ketchup packets fell out.
“What’s all that?”
“You told me to get ready to go!”
“Where do you think we’re going that you need all that ketchup?”
“I think I’m going somewhere where they won’t have enough.”
Fair enough kid.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I teach curse words and racial slurs to children whose parents allow them to run around restaurants.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.