Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
You Might Also Like
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
An underage sweater walks into a bar for the third time.
The bartender says, “I’m gonna need to see your cardigan.”
Did you hear that John Travolta might have the coronavirus? He has chills that were multiplying.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: *leaves on read*
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
damn. it takes a long time to soft boil 3 eggs when you don’t even turn the stove burner on in the first place
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Interviewer: have you ever made, eaten or even seen a sandwich?
Dude: no
Interviewer: you’re hired welcome to Subway
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Me: Why aren’t you smiling in your school picture?
Child: Because I’m at school.
Me: So?
Child: Can I see your work ID?
Me: OK never mind I get it.
Doing United States puzzle with 7 when he tells me that “Alabama should be called Mr. Sippi since it’s next to Mrs. Sippi.”
Walk into karate dojo. Bow. Assume made up karate stance. Taser the first guy who runs at you. Bow. Exit karate dojo
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
🦝🔥🦝🔥
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro