#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
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remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
If I had an hour to live I’d spend it on a treadmill because every minute feels like an eternity and at the end I’d be happy to die
The best thing about algebra in high school is that it’s in high school and I’m not.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
ME: There’s something fishy going on here.
YOU: It’s just an aquarium.
ME: Exactly.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
Just made my neighbors kid cry. How was I supposed to know Hags meant have a great summer?
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
MARY JANE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the comic Spider-Man
420BLAZEIT: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also Spider-Man
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
My son curses like I make love. He has no idea how to do it and someone usually yells at him and tells him to stop before he’s finished.
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
CarefulWhere’s your shoesPlease stop cryingMaybe eat somethingYou dropped the bottle- things you say to babies & drunks.